He often jokes about leaving his wife. But I fear that when you live in a kind of dull state you will gravitate towards more exciting people. Take time to let the responses settle in, and strive not to be defensive," she says. Please make sure you read our rules here. You are correct that i t does not excuse your cheating, but it does point out where your personal vulnerability was. You have my prayers. I hope that eventually you can look back on your marriage and not look at it as wasted time. We have two very young kids and both work high-pressure, full-time jobs. He had ti see her because it made her feel better, then when that wasnt working anymore, lets bring mummy dearest over from overseas to help her with her attempts at getting my h away from me. If I would have filed at the beginning I would be years ahead in of where I am now in terms of my recovery. Then I feel hurt when he doesnt. Doug, HA. Exercise, play sports, go to the gym and consider beginning each day with a walk together. Most of our friends were developed through the people we have met in those activities (those mentioned in this post excluded). And so, the million-dollar question isWhat inspires us to choose to be (and stay) monogamous? Of course that was a trigger for me, and I told him that it was nice that he was focusing on how the whole thing made HIM feel, and totally ignored how gut wrenching it was for ME as she sat there describing a college boyfriend who cheated on her, and went on at length about how I have no idea the pain, the agony, the etc etcof being cheated on. Dear The HPV Question, First, I want to make sure you still have HPV. Samantha Rodman Whiten September 28, 2018. Once you know the reason, you can work on a solution. Doug, Linda, anyone elseone topic I would love to see discussed: how do you handle ti when the topic of affairs comes up in discussion with friends, etc. Liz Pardue-Schultz and her husband Greg Schultz Silver Charm Photography Many people in relationships often feel obligated to accompany their partners to events they don't want to go to,. In many cases, it may be that your spouse is feeling overwhelmed or emotionally isolated. My spouse is: old, fat, boring, lazy, doesnt like sex, doesnt love me, harsh, critical, unappreciative, ugly, jealous, nagging, a shrew, etc. All lies he makes up to mess with her head. While I used to assume that he valued our time together as much as I did, and assume that he wanted to do things together, I no longer do. I found a good website on CPTSD, called Strength to Heal, I think. True. He feels like he can't win. but thats not our problem. Alternately, the affair partner wants to place the blame on the cheating spouse. Yes! Yet he is still here, just as is your h. Why couldnt he show me that he could drop her, when I was feeling good about myself. I feel like I have to force him. If we can love and forgive and we are both willing to work hard, I do believe it can be regained. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. "My husband never wants to go anywhere, all he ever thinks about is gumbo, gogo, and dodo." gree gree , any object of contrivance used to conjure harm or evil to the recipient. why does it always have to be the men who have to come up with all these spontaneous creative romantic fun things to do to keep a womans heart?! You need to stop fearing an argument, You need to communicate the issues that are going on and ask him why he thinks using depression to not do things you don't want to do. Admitting that, its natural if you have those sentiments and are furious at him. But basically things rotated around ME supporting HIM. What I thought would come back to me at some point (like a true relational marriage), is no longer my dream. When you and your spouse are talking, put down your cell phone, set aside distractions, and focus on each other. Im in the best shape of my life and I blame the dirtbag she affaired with for that, not that hes better looking than me by any means, but the second I picture his face and dream about ripping him limb from limb my workouts get very intense. and we started dating. My husband actually says he has a NEW and DEEPER appreciation of not only me and our marriage, but our family as well. Yup, I no longer want all the responsibility of doing it all, anymore. So, if your husband is always working on projects around the house or taking care of the kids, he may be trying to show you how much he cares. Yeah I know..not productive, LOL. They didnt really do anything or go anywhere special together and to the casual observer, certainly not anything or anywhere exciting. And Im but judging her about this, Im just commenting on it. I too told him, I know Im nit perfect , nor will I ever be perfect, but you wont find anyone that loves you more than me. We are all now to the point where our kids have either graduated from college, in college or will be entering college next fall. What to do if my husband never wants to do anything with me? Jed believed he was having a midlife crisis and he does fit the scenario but I am just worn out and tired of dealing with him. This is separate from and at times in spite of, others around me. Its not just you and him against the world. We even half-joked that the guys must be suffering from a lack of testosterone while both of the women are now ripe for affairs. I have to beg him. It runs in his family and he has suffered with it and sleep disorder for years. Rachel, I am so sad that this is the path you have been forced to walk. He probably lies to his wife all the time telling her he's going to take her places and then never follows through. For many years I have silently said to myself (as my husband worked almost 80 hours/week and let vacation time go because he was too busy to take time off), I told myself to hang in there, itll work out at some point. I handled it FAR better than he did, and I think I should be the one ranting and raving over how bad it made me feel. So as a reward for trying to keep my marriage together I get to work harder than ever on our relationship while my character and personality is constantly on trial. Most of the Time My Husband Doesn't Want to do Sh*t 67 by Linda and Doug Those were the words that one of our friends told Linda recently Saturday night we met up with two other couples who we consider to be some of our closest friends. "Be willing to hear his feedback and experiences in the marriage," says Henry. Post-affair, I am uncomfortably aware that making mountains out of molehills can be a dangerous self-fulfilling prophecy. Too painful and once I would start I wouldnt know where to stop! We saw therapists through the years but nothing changed. At least mine was, for a while. Not that Im interested one bit. So Im so happy for you that you have your children. If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. I have even spoken with his dr. Who says she doesnt see it yet he has all the signs. Selfish people are extremely immersed in themselves. It is so easy to make our lives about our kids. It may be kind of obscure sometimes but its there. If he's super passive aggressive or he doesn't like confrontation, this could be his way of telling you that he doesn't want a serious relationship with you. No, no one wins we just keeping moving forward. Pisses me off too. Worse, I let others judge that for me. She wants me to take the lead with planning nights out, hikes, weekend trips, etc. Friday may 31st will be divorce day. Most husbands work outside the home to provide for the family. What are some things that you do to try and keep the passion alive and kicking? Exercise grace, this is exactly the kind of thing I was trying to get through to Eyes Opened about. Ohh and the funny thing is, she wasnt on anything for depression. Cheated twice? Now shes pregnant (its mine) and I dont really have a choice. Well, wow. my husband constantly has a headache and does suffer from migraines but refuses to go anywhere. If your husband feels like youre constantly nagging him, hell likely start to dread spending time with you. Of course, this doesnt mean that you should never spend time with your spouse. And he needs to answer those questions. If someone's lack of response has become a. d. regardless of what others choose, I can still choose to be a happy person. My other half knows this, but still, does not take any of the responsibility on. Rachel, hes not winning or in control. Constantly needing reassurance from your spouse can be suffocating and is likely one of the reasons why hes pulling away. Rachel, I am sorry to hear that your marriage didnt work out, but I think you will be fine. I really did want out but didnt see a way. It's always healthy for the dad to bond with baby, have skin time, even if the baby is fussy. Blah blah blah. Sometimes guys just don't know how to say things. I cant go on like this forever. But threats of leaving, cutting off "privileges," or even threats . I should have kicked her out immediately and filed for divorce. Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. So, one of the classic signs of a selfish husband is he holds himself in high regard and has a high self-esteem, to the point of being full of himself. I just didnt want to believe what was actually happening and also, I didnt have the guts! If your spouse feels like youre always trying to get him to do things or constantly talking to him, it can be tough to want to spend time with you. She said the same thing about being bored and finding excitement. Make sure to schedule some me time into your week to stay sane and avoid resentment. I totally believe until you honestly think that both affair partners are equally responsible for the affair, under any circumstances,no matter what reasonsthey give, no matter who they are, yourself or others, it is being defensive. Travelling alone is a whole new experience and in my experience, you meet people wherever you go. I dont live with her, I am not trying to make a life and raise a family with her. So, if you think this might be the explanation for the issue my husband never wants to do anything with me, make an effort to lose weight, get a new haircut, or buy some new clothes. I am smarter this time around, and while I dont plan to live my life constantly suspecting him of something, I will not live it with blind trust again, either. He lied to her, manipulated her, made her promises he didnt keep. Im also in the best shape of my life because of it (not because of her, but my self-determination to improve myself and keep on challenging myself). If you suspect this is the case, youll need to have a serious conversation about whats going on and how its affecting your relationship. ALWAYS. Well, my court date for Friday was cancelled because the ex couldnt make it. Respecting his wishes will go a long way in making him feel more inclined to spend time with you. It makes me sick the lengths she went to, and I truly believe it was her manipulation, making him feel guilty for him being home with his family. Im guessing that she was betting on I would not leave her. Refusal to go for walks could be signs of an underlying behavioral issue. Like go to the grocery store, go to the pool, go to sport practice, go anywhere! All through his fog. Some people are able to deal with reaching those limits in a healthy way (seeking help, being honest, or even leaving) and others implode. My H never wants to do anything and has called his existence dead with me and that she awakened him. I love to be out and do fun things from traveling to movies to concerts etc. Your husband may be experiencing depression and you may want to invite him to take a depression test on-line. Instead, he could simply be showing his love by other gestures. Take care. If anyone thinks they were lured, or tricked, or coerced, or anything else into cheating on your spouse then there is an issue. She made sure to find me enough work to make sure I never uttered or even thought those words again! That was still intact. First, that you need to be true to yourself and work towards the things that bring you the most joy in . Also, the 21st birthday of my oldest son. We both are. While your situation isnt unique, it is nevertheless not typical. Ayyy ahora si ya les cuento todito lo que pas De verdad que miedo Weve been in your shoes and are in a unique position to put all of our experiences both good and bad, successes and failures and use them to help lead you out of the pain and into a better place. 6. I know exactly how you feel. And really peace for your ex too. IMHO. While I am not perfect, I was a loving, supportive, faithful wife. 4) He doesn't know how to bring something up. f. I can and will choose PEACE for my life. Updated: June 23, 2020. Where is the feeling that what I have devoted the last THIRTY years of my life to, has mattered? I also lived in constant fear that she would get bored again and run back to him. I believe that is why most BS wouldnt even think about entering an affair, really who had the time and energy. I brought it up in marriage counseling and the counselor said if he was bored it was because he was boring. Keep your chin up girl, we are all rooting for you! Suppose your husband has started working longer hours, studying for a big test, or training for a marathon. And so, the million-dollar question isWhat inspires us to choose to be (and stay) monogamous? he will drive an hour to see her for 20 min and goes out fo coffee and to movies, etc. It's good for your health and can be a nice ritual for discussing your plans for the day. I agree that, for me, its my commitment to God, first and foremost. When we first got together I was 16 and I definitely had a higher sex drive back then, as most 16 year olds probably do. The judge stated that nobody wins in a divorce. I am normally a fun person and outgoing, but even that has faded away. This can be difficult to navigate, but dont worry were here to help! Not until later on the drive home did I learn what the gals were chatting about. Obviously you want to do things they would enjoy--especially action oriented activities. Here is how our date nights go: I say I think we should have some time alone, he says sure, I wait, he does nothing, I eventually text the sitter and make reservations, and we go. What to do if my husband doesn t like spending time with my family? He is at the point where it scares him to think of what he could have lost. I dont husband bash has either. Hes preoccupied with other things. Over time, the lack of connection can take a toll on your relationship. They are NOT as unhappy as they profess themselves to be. Some people journal, but you dont get any input so that turns into a bitch fest/pity party if you arent careful, llol. OMG my husband would think he had died and gone to heaven, LOL. So you are either In or Out on this one. Without getting into too much of the details and background, it is apparent to us that they have fallen into a serious marital trap. The most irksome part of this entire process is that it is completely backward from what it should be. During our false R, I too felt like a fool, like I was being used. I deserved better. Some people think that threats have to be physical in nature to be problematic. Also when a person complains about being bored they are often bored with themselves not their marriages or spouses. Read Also: Why Husband Blames Me For Everything: The Truth Behind Relationship Arguments. On my birthday . Absolutely 100%. by Christy Cox for Divorced Moms. EG, who is perfect, ohhh thats right the ow thats who. We have a son who lives in Australia and he would not even go see him. He has no ideas, no desire to do simple fun or actively engage with me on anything. As the girls got older, I was looking forward to the two of us having time together again. I couldnt understand her whole bored thing. 6. Remember what the marriage vows say? Don't be shy with your partner. Rewind 10 years ago and I was a single 25-year-old freshly off finishing grad school at NYU who was moving to start a new chapter and a new job in Austin. We never get invited out anywhere together as a couple. Make your moments together count. i really dont mind cleaning, i used to clean the house for him all the . Problems arise when you leave the house early, barely speaking to or connecting with your wife before you dash out the door. John when my workouts are flagging I also think of the slutty OW and suddenly I can muster plenty of energy! Then, really invite your husband to share his experience of what's been happening in the marriage. But when I am anywhere in public, if there are 10 people, at least 6 or 8 of them will be as fat or fatter. My son is starting his divorce proceedings this week and he has a 3 year old son. But you already know that, lol. if we do go to a wedding as it is an obligation he will sit and not speak to anyone and always wont to leave early. Do you find yourself constantly needing your husbands attention? Does that excuse me got cheating on him? Now he is going away on a friend's five-day stag trip. He shops with me for groceries or they dont get bought. The lack of confidence was not about my career or who I was outside of our marriage. Say what you will, but there's often quite a bit of truth to jokes. If I had listened to my gut and gone with my instinct, I could have stopped this all much much sooner. A Comprehensive Guide to 'Vanderpump Rules' Hookups Over the Years. First, try taking a more proactive approach by planning fun activities that you can do together. Ignore builds a wall between you and your spouse. Some of the big realizations I have had in this post affair phase are: a. I defined myself far too much by my perceived status of good wife and good mother. In contrast my H is in the worst shape hes ever been and for the first time I see him slightly worried about how he compares to the men I must see at the gym. Me too. The cheating spouse still seems to be calling the shots. They work, because one of my girlfriend's husband was having trouble getting hard and he ordered one.. She is so proud of . Of course, theres more to a relationship than physical attractionbut it is important. I know now we got pregnant way too early after the affair becuse Im obviously still struggling in the aftermath. You can also look for ways to connect during the day, like taking a walk together or sharing a coffee break. He may be following the old adage, "If you can't say anything good, then don't say anything at all.". However, some people are just habitually negative and don't understand how miserable they are making themselves as well as the . Any ideas? Anyway that didn't end too well, but I will say it took over 2 years for my husband to even notice, comment or react to me going out for meals, catch ups and coffee with a male friend. Showing more affection in different ways or spending more time together may help resolve the issue. But some expectations. Then when I think about how unappreciative and selfish her betrayal was in the first place I feel like fool for stretching myself so thin when I feel like she should be kissing MY ass. I gained weight after the birth of my child, I admit. A Crappy Vacation Told Me My Marriage Was Really Over. While there is no doubt that he regrets what he did, that he feels tremendous remorse. Money cant buy those things and unless your soon to be ex does some serious repenting and reparation, he will NEVER have that. Its essential to show interest in the things your spouse enjoys, even if you dont share the same enthusiasm. I only wish I had done it MUCH SOONER. 25 Signs Your Husband Doesn't Love You Anymore 1. Good advise eg. Weve been married 42 years. 20/04/2015 at 11:50 am. If youre constantly asking your husband to spend time with you, he may feel like youre not putting in enough effort to make it happen. Do you ever feel that your husband is getting further and further away from you? I ended up losing it through the ea, and looked damn good, yet became in the mind, of here I am looking good, yet my h still doesnt let her go. She does not know our situation. Press J to jump to the feed. Don't get in a relationship where the main traits of a person irritates, you and don't expect those traits to just magically disappear just because you get married, Have a discussion where things do not move on until he starts answering questions, He gets on medication or he starts seeing someone to get his depression under control. If your husband feels like he cant get a break from them, itll start to take a toll on him, and he might begin distancing himself from you. I felt gutted. Just a little! Our friends and their issue were on-again, off-again topics of discussion between Linda and I for a few days after our night out. "Try not to accuse or assume." 3. When you think about it, it makes sense. Even if youre not trying to ignore him, busyness can create an emotional barrier. In a vacation environment totally devoid of any stress, I couldn't stand to be in my husband's company. If you can make him feel appreciated, hell spend time with you. This doesn't stop my husband going back to the UK for shooting trips, even though he knows that I am not at all pleased. If youre always demanding his attention, hell likely start to feel suffocated. Your story proves my point. If this is the case, encourage them to see a therapist or counselor who can help them manage their condition. I can see how my h would prefer to forget. Use that time to bond with him, leash-train and you should be good. I know the signs now, I know his tells when something is up. she willingly goes to counseling but I dont think think she puts much effort towards repairing our marriage. This can lead to him wanting to distance himself from you, which isnt good for your relationship. He keeps telling me I did nothing wrong, there was nothing I could have done better or different. Guess thats why she cant keep a man or have a real relationship. In other words, I'm a good person! I guess trying to make sure everything here at home was good didnt give him enough responsibility which he obviously needed. If she only knew. You might not see it, but your relatives can sometimes be quite overwhelming, especially if theyre always around. It IS easy to jump on the band wagon when everyone is picking apart their spouses. Ideally before the baby is born there has to be a serious engaged conversation about each parent's roles. Now, us men stood there and talked about the normal stuffsports, work, kids and yes, one of the other guys did do just a little wife-bashing. This will make him feel valued and appreciated and more likely to want to spend time with you so you wont complain: My husband never wants to do anything with me. You dont have to fake excitement about every little thing, but ask questions and express genuine curiosity about what hes passionate about. 1. Additionally, try not to nitpick everything that he does wrong. Friends disappear and you can't go anywhere. Its in cases just like this that many people turn to infidelity in an ill-fated attempt to solve their boredom (or some other) problem. Anonymous. His apathy is excruciating and I feel myself just shriveling up and blowing away in the wind. This will allow him to miss you, making spending time with you that much more special. Feminize me, fuck me, and make me yours. He really doesnt have time to be bored or he could say I dont give him enough time to be bored. When your partner has your back, they'll be able to say those three important words sincerely and out loud in front of other people. If you want things to change, stop enabling it (I really suggest just breaking up because you are trying to change something that has always been there) start setting some boundaries that You can't live like this and that things need to change cuz you are at the end of your rope (You should have just never gotten in a relationship or even married this man). My husband doesn t like spending time with my family, but why? Thats like saying its ok for me to walk into a bank and steal money if the security guard isnt looking. I WON! There will be peace in it being OVER, pursuing it would likely not be worth the emotional cost. John, its one of the hardest things to go through, I highly doubt I could go through it again. I can see where boredom could be a contributing factor to cheating, especially at work, lol. My h was telling me on the weekend how his mistress told him, if I didnt want my children, how she would be so happy to raise them with him. Exercise Grace, I totally agree. I feel none of it was appreciated and he has a sense of entitlement. Read Also: 11 Signs of Selfish Husband and How to Deal With Him. This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. Just wanted to let you know I understand what youre going through, youre not alone! Everyone makes mistakes, and your husband is no exception. Or going out together with friends or family? She is also a very nasty person and looking like Miss America couldnt compensate for her internal self. It's a good way to keep a relationship alive. What to do if my husband never wants to do anything with me because of mental illness? Monogamy isnt a one-time choice for human beings; its an ongoing choice. 3. Exercise grace I relate entirely to the one-women circus comment (except the women part-haha.) I loved that. Blessings friend! I know my h has always been a strong capable man, full of honor, self respect and pride, it definately would not have been an easy road seeing someone else staring at you in the mirror. I so understand and feel the same way. he said if she was going to be such a jerk, she didnt need to come over here, or he didnt need to ever be around her, blah blah blah. Absolutely NOT ! My husband said you dont know what was going on his life, what he was dealing with, etc. Plus, he flatly turned down my request that he get counseling or even that WE get counseling. he doesnt want things to improve. The affair has changed that for me. Read More All related (100+) Sort Recommended JMMendez It can often take the form of giving you the silent treatment . Im guilty of this some what, but all cheaters will have asob story regarding why they cheat. 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